Whether you are loud and proud and wearing your identity on your sleeve, or still trying to find the right words, the right time, the right outfit – we’ve been there.
Maybe by sharing our own stories, we can help you shape yours. Or maybe it’s been a minute since you considered the ways that coming out made your life better.
I created a 5-question interview to help us tell our coming out stories in a way that highlights the when, why, and how. I also acknowledge that for many of us, coming out is not a one-time thing, but a regular—even a daily—occurrence.
We hope that by sharing our own stories, we can help our readers consider their own identity, and community, and perhaps even feel emboldened to live their most authentically queer lives.
What year did you begin your coming out process?
It was 2005. I was a college sophomore and had just fallen hard for my sorority sister. When I try to recall the experience, the words do not come. Instead, I reach for cliches and tired metaphors. How does one explain what it feels like the first time they touch fire?
I was dizzy with my desire for Sam. I was desperate to stay away from her. Pretend this wasn’t real. I’d never felt this way before about anyone, but to feel this way for another girl? I was engulfed in these flames.
Once I acted on this I wanted to tell everyone and no one. I wanted to have all the answers before I breathed a word. But that’s just not how life works. That’s just not how we learn who we are. I even wrote a book about it. An Amazon Kindle Single: The Rush.
I am not, nor have I ever been, a secret keeper. Carrying around this truth about my identity was killing me, so over the course of nearly an entire year I came out, first to a few close friends, then a few more. Eventually, I knew it was time to tell my parents. To be honest, I probably wouldn’t have told them then if it weren’t for the fact that my mental health was suffering. I wanted to let them in, to understand what I was going through, and to ask them for help.
After I told my parents I was able to go back to school in Boston and start seeing a therapist. Meanwhile, my parents were able to process my news in their own way, on their own time.
Even today, at 39 years old, with a wife and two kids, I find myself coming out regularly, again and again. There is often a decision to make when I’m in a new situation–maybe a work environment or at one of my kid’s sports practices–and I need to decide how or if to “come out.” My queerness isn’t something I wear each day that everyone can see, so I’m often making decisions that involve my own safety, or the safety of my kids. I’m frequently reminding myself to be proud and open about who I am, because I want my kids to feel that confidence and love, for not just their family, but their own identity, whatever that looks like for them.
What prompted you to come out?
I was 19 years old, and so scared. So full of shame. It wasn’t that the timing felt right or that I felt ready. I’m not sure I ever would have felt ready. I knew that I needed support. It was that simple. I believed the people I trusted with this were going to support me, and eventually, they did.
I think a lot of the reason I grappled with coming out is because bisexuality was kind of a joke back then. I wasn’t in a relationship with Sam when I came out to my family, so there was a part of me that felt like I was doing this huge thing that I couldn’t take back, and what if I just found a boyfriend and lived happily ever after? What if this was all for nothing? I am so very glad that I listened to my heart, silenced the doubting voices, and did what I knew I needed to do.
What would you tell your past self about how your life would change once you were out?
Hiding is exhausting. Your dreams are waiting for you to make them your reality. Your life will overflow with love. If I didn’t do that terrifying thing and face my feelings for Sam, I wouldn’t be married to her today, raising two beautiful boys, living the life I never knew to dream of.
It took many years for me to feel completely comfortable in my skin, and to find my queer community, but this is such a deeply integral part of who I am. I feel grateful every day that I get to live this big, bright, loud, queer life that I love.
How did your community show up for you in the coming out process?
I know that when I first came out to friends and family, not everyone got it. But most of them kept their mouths shut, and for that I am thankful. Even when my mom was struggling to understand how to see her daughter in this new light, she rarely put that on me. I know it wasn’t easy for her, and I am so very proud of my Pride-flag-waving mama for the ally that she is.
What would you tell someone who wants to come out but doesn’t know how, or isn’t sure they’re ready?
There is no perfect time. There is no “right” way to do it. Some people get outed, which is so unfair. I believe that you should get to do this on your own terms. A lot of my coming out shame came from lying about it previously, and ya know what, I had to let that go. We have to forgive ourselves for that. We were just protecting ourselves, keeping our beautiful little hearts safely locked away, and it’s okay.
My only real piece of advice about coming out is to find your people. Find your support system. If you don’t have it yet, give yourself time to build it. The love of a community gives us the strength to be who we are. When we feel safe, there’s no limit to what we can be, what we can achieve, and how everything that once felt impossible suddenly becomes possible.
What year did you begin your coming out process?
I love that framing – coming out ‘process’, because we inevitably end up coming out over and over throughout adulthood. My process started in 1999 when I was a Senior in high school. I unexpectedly fell madly in love with Amber, a wild gregarious girl who, to my fortune, fell madly in love with me too. She texted me recently – celebrating our 25-year coming out day, the day she put her hand on my leg and I knew there was no going back. We lived in a small rural town with conservative values. It was the 90’s, the time of ignoring the AIDS crisis, and eliminating every slight opportunity to implement equal rights in any government policy. Needless to say, being queer at that time wasn’t safe. Matthew Shepard was murdered just a year before, and we all silently grieved and feared a similar story.
What prompted you to come out?
I was outed. Amber and I were a secret. No one knew we were romantic, they just assumed we were best friends. She and I had a journal we would pass back and forth, divulging our secret love and desire for each other. Her mother found it, read it, and confronted us. Terrified, we denied it, but it was hard to argue with what was written. I had a senior class trip and during that time, and her mother outed me to my parents while I was away. Then eventually she told my teachers, coaches and the athletic director. I was called into the principal’s office where two grown men proceeded to threaten my future athletic opportunities due to my ‘lifestyle choices’. What I remember was that I wasn’t ready to ‘come out’. I wasn’t ready to solely identify as anything, I didn’t want to be put in a box built by a hateful world. I wasn’t a lesbian. I wasn’t bisexual. I didn’t know what I was at the time, but I knew I didn’t want my heart under their microscope.
The path I always saw before me–playing sports in college, thriving–was gone before I knew it. I became withdrawn, depressed, and I isolated myself from my friendships. Until one day, I told my friends Veronica and Kate. Their embrace and acceptance and support for me that day, quite possibly helped saved my life since I was in such a lonely place. I am eternally grateful. I wrote a poem about love and my friend Kate (thank you Kate) read it at our graduation. I felt a thousand eyes looking at me, and it was ok, because it was my way of having a voice in something so publicly personal.
After a heated intervention with Amber’s family and mine, my heart exploded and I could not stop crying. Utterly inconsolable. I was so scared, and so confused and couldn’t quell the anxiety and the fear. My mom walked behind me, wrapped her arms around me in that mama bear way, and just kept whispering in my ear, “it’s ok baby, deep breath. You’re safe. You’re safe. I love you. It’s ok, I’m here…” over and over until I believed her.
That was the moment everything changed for me. My mom not only saved my life, but in one moment she built the foundation for me to wholly be who I am today. Safe. Open. Confident. Loved. I wish I could bottle that up for every scared queer kid in the world.
What would you tell your past self about how your life would change once you were out?
I would tell that quirky little human that she is going to be loved so damn much, regardless of who she falls for or sleeps with. That her huge love for her people will only expand and how beautiful it will be to love others and genuinely feel worthy of receiving love. I’d tell her she doesn’t need to be afraid of anything- because everything works in her favor. 🙂 Oh, and I’d tell her to watch out for the femmes, they’ll get you every damn time.
How did your community show up for you in the coming out process?
Over the years it has always been the same. First, someone gets to know me, then they learn I’m queer. Until I cut my hair and started presenting more masc, then people assumed I was a huge butch until they got to know me. (A slightly huge butch, with flamboyant tendencies). What I learned is that people can surprise you. I had a southern, republican boss once, I told him I was engaged, he asked me, “what does he do for work?” When I replied after a hesitation, “she’s a speech therapist” he looked at me with surprise but didn’t skip a beat with the rest of our conversation. In fact, he became my mentor, my advocate and broke barriers for my career to take off. Over the years I learned that people often return the effort you put in, whether friendships or work relationships, if you’re there for them – they’ll show up for you too. Community shows up when it’s reciprocal.
What would you tell someone who wants to come out but doesn’t know how, or isn’t sure they’re ready?
I’d say, you’ll know when you’re ready. Don’t rush. Live in the secret delight of ambiguity and exploration. You don’t owe anyone anything, especially how you define yourself. I came out before I was ready and it took years to unwind the mess. Sexuality, gender, it’s all a construct, it’s all made up to make someone else feel comfortable… So however your journey takes you, let it, don’t force it, and know that when you’re ready – it’s ok… you are loved and you are safe. You’ve got a lot of us out here, ready to embrace you with the biggest mama bear hug you could imagine possible.
What year did you begin your coming out process?
Depends on what coming out we are talking about! I initially came out as bi in 1997 when I was 15. That same year Ellen DeGeneres came out on her sitcom, but I was so scared that I might be gay that I wouldn’t watch it. I officially came out to my boyfriend at the time during Upward Bound, a 3-year program for low-income, first-generation college students..
Then, I slowly started to tell a few close friends, and then finally, my mom. Everyone was supportive, and I remember it feeling pretty easy. It started to get real in 2001, when I wanted to bring my girlfriend to Prom. It was a really big deal to my school. The school resource officers requested additional police to make sure I was safe. Nothing happened, and it didn’t feel like a big deal to me at the time.
I came out as a lesbian my first week of college, then had a more recent coming out in the last few years officially as non-binary, and adopting She/They pronouns. It took a while for me to figure out the spectrum of my non-binary and what feels right for me.
What prompted you to come out?
I felt safe at Upward Bound, in a community with supportive adults and friends where I felt like I could actually be me. Upward Bound was the first place I saw real live gay adults outside of TV. We had a session during my second year about “Coming Out,” and what it meant to be LGBT. This was the first time I actually learned about what it meant to be gay, and to meet a gay adult who was thriving. The experience helped me identify who I was, and accept that my feelings were legitimate. I understood that if Upward Bound was bringing in supportive adults, then it must be a safe place for me. What finally drove me to come out was the realization that I did have attractions towards girls. I had always been categorized as a “tomboy,” and was often called sir. I wore boys clothes and participated in “boy” activities. My Upward Bound experience helped me see that all of that–gender and sexuality–were connected for me.
What would you tell your past self about how your life would change once you were out?
I would say that being ‘one of the guys’ isn’t a bad thing, in fact, girls will like you for exactly who you are. I always had a big group of male friends, but when a guy did notice me, I just didn’t feel right. When I first kissed a girl, everything clicked. It felt right. I finally felt like I no longer needed to look feminine or wear feminine clothes, because girls at the time were not interested in that.
How did your community show up for you in the coming out process?
Even in rural Maine, in a school of about 1,000 kids, it wasn’t all that bad for me. In fact, it was the gay guys that were bullied. I only had one negative high school interaction, when a freshman girl reported me to the principal for “looking at her.” Eventually we created a GSA, and I met a lot of people across Maine through Outright, which was an LGBTQ organization that had local chapters. It was great to have a community of other gay kids that I could lean on. I had to drive 45 minutes to attend meetings, and although I would get home late on those nights, I always looked forward to going..
What would you tell someone who wants to come out but doesn’t know how, or isn’t sure they’re ready?
It’s a very personal process and you should never feel pressured to come out, ever. I would also say that coming out never ends. Even when you do come out, you might eventually come out in other ways, whether it’s about your gender, or sexuality. All of this changes over time, and it is okay if you come out as lesbian and then decide you are straight, or queer, or bi, or whatever!
Coming out in my 40’s as non-binary and adopting She/They pronouns was a process for me. I had always used the term Gender Queer to refer to myself, and then as They and Non-Binary became commonly used, I revisited my labels and my feelings around them. I spent a lot of time discussing it with my therapist. I worried, “I am too old to start using They/Them,” or, “I am too old to come out again as non-binary.” Shehelped me believe that age doesn’t matter in these situations, and to understand why this was important to me. I’ve always felt very middle-of-the-road when it comes to gender, but I knew for sure I did not feel male. I feel female in my own ways, so using Sheis my way of supporting women’s rights and protections, and using They signifies how I truly see myself inside, that I lean towards masculinity.
Hey there. Laura Leigh here. I’m a wife, writer, mama, small business owner, and a lover of queer young adult fiction–hey, I deserve these stories. They were not readily available when I was young!
I love supporting the queer community and bringing shared experiences to life.
If you have a story to tell, I’m here for it.
la********@pi***********.com
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